Rediscovering Intimacy: Mindfulness and Desire in Two Transformative Reads

Mindfulness, Desire, and the Path to More Fulfilling Intimacy

In today’s fast-paced world, intimacy can start to feel like pressure instead of pleasure. Many couples come to me saying sex feels like a performance—something to get “right”—rather than a place of connection. The good news is, there are tools to help shift that. Two of my favorite resources are Better Sex Through Mindfulness by Dr. Lori Brotto and Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. Together, they offer powerful insights into how mindfulness and desire work in our bodies—and how we can use that understanding to transform intimacy.

Reconnecting Through Mindfulness

Better Sex Through Mindfulness is filled with simple, evidence-based practices that help you reconnect with your body. Mindfulness slows you down, allowing you to notice sensations without judgment or expectation.

For many, this shift is life-changing. Instead of focusing on performance or outcome, you start tuning into what feels good in the moment—breath, touch, presence. That presence is often where real pleasure emerges.

Understanding the Dynamics of Desire

Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are introduces a model I love sharing with couples: the “gas and brakes” of sexuality. Desire isn’t just about wanting—it’s about context. The “gas” are things that turn you on or help you feel open to intimacy. The “brakes” are things that shut desire down—stress, pressure, feeling unseen, exhaustion.

For women especially, brakes can be powerful. And when you understand that, you stop blaming yourself or your partner. You realize: “Nothing is wrong with me. I just need to learn what presses my gas and what releases my brakes.” That awareness creates compassion—and sparks new conversations about what both partners need.

Transforming Relationships Through Understanding

When mindfulness and desire science come together, intimacy shifts. Sex stops being a task and becomes a shared journey.

For couples, these insights mean:

• Less pressure, more presence.
• Honest conversations about what feels good, and what gets in the way.
• A new sense of play and curiosity in intimacy.

And for individuals, it means learning to trust your body and your rhythms again.

Final Thoughts

Better Sex Through Mindfulness and Come As You Are are two resources I return to often because they remind us: intimacy isn’t about meeting an expectation—it’s about connection. It’s about slowing down, listening to your body, and learning how desire works uniquely for you.

When couples embrace these tools, they open the door to more pleasure, deeper intimacy, and a sex life that feels nourishing instead of pressured.

Because at its core, intimacy isn’t about performance—it’s about presence, connection, and joy.